C McP's Guide on How to Lose Your Faith in Humanity While in the Philippines

Humans are awesome and terrific creatures. They are capable of making things as useful as a paper clip to something as totally pointless as the atomic bomb. Truly, the wondersome things humans are capable of make you want to believe that perhaps they are indeed the most intelligent beings on earth.

But don't be fooled! Despite their intellectual advances, humans are still capable of doing things that would make you want to deitify sea cucumbers instead. If you're starting to feel that humans are starting to take control of your well-being, I have provided here a list of things you can do in order to avoid being controlled and manipulated by these cunning creatures.

Step 1: Live in a neighborhood where everyone sings videoke during parties.
Humans have a habit of throwing raucous events called 'parties' or 'par-tehs' (the latter pronunciation attributed to the highly advanced mind of Homer Simpson) for as many reason as you can think of. Someone turned eighteen? Party. Someone just got married? Party. Someone's giving birth soon? Party. Someone's enemy just died? Party. Yep, just give a good enough reason and humans would certainly celebrate it.

If you happen to chance by this beautiful set of islands called the Philippines, the best way to personally observe and see how humans devolve is to make sure your habitation is in the same neighborhood as people with an economic stratum from the upper lower class to the upper middle class. Huge bonus if a neighbor has a relative working in desert states such as Saudi Arabia or Qatar, or is a crewmember aboard a shipping vessel. This would mean that they are more likely to possess a videoke.

Observe how during said 'parties', they would tend to raise the volume of their videokes to cataclysmic decibels, making sure that everyone in the whole world would hear them sing (or pretend to sing). If you don't lose your faith in humanity in an hour, I would applaud you.

Step 2: Watch noontime shows to learn the best way to exploit misfortune.
In the Philippines, another way to lose your faith would be to turn on the television at noon and watch the noontime variety shows in either Channel 2 or 7. My friends, here is the best way to observe how misfortune can be put to good use in this country.

First, observe the poor people lining up outside the studios just to be able to be given a chance to participate in one of the show's games.

Second, watch the show's hosts themselves and how they pretend to sympathize with said poor people by dangling vomit-inducing amounts of cash in front of them.

Third, observe some members of the audience who try their best to make it obvious that they themselves or someone they're related to are working overseas, waving signs and placards in front of the camera in order to make it known to you, the viewer, that they or someone they know are working overseas. They would then 'donate' cash as additional prizes to the game in order to 'help' the poor. They just don't make themselves appear magnanimous, they also appear rich. Such brilliance!

And fourth, if you think that you can only watch dancing almost-naked ladies if you visit seedy bars at night, then think again.

Step 3: Observe politicians' and voters' behavior during election season.
This would take perfect timing in your part to be able for this step to be observable as you would need to chance it that you're in the Philippines during election season which only happens usually every three years.

First observe the politicians. You would see that during this season, they would tend to become very very generous, kind, nationalistic, and wealthy capable enough to come forth with a lot of infomercials informing you, the voter, as to how good a person they are and why you should vote for them. Prepare yourself for a barrage of catchy tunes, lame catchphrases, and a confetti of posters and political mud-slinging.

Now observe the voters. You would see that time and time again, these people love that they are being made fools of in the name of political ambition. Notice how they tend to vote for the worst possible politician in the election, and then trying their best to oust said politician during his/her term. Yes, they would even blame said politicians as to why their husbands drink too much or why their wives spend most of their days learning the latest gossip.

Step 4: Learn how to define racism in the Philippines.
Racism, colonial mentality, regionalism - this abstract idea goes by a lot of names in the Philippines. There are usually three instances where you can tell that a form of racism is going on.

Filipino versus people of a different religion. This form of racism is pretty prevalent among those who live in Christian areas. If they see someone who wears typical Islamic clothes, then he'll be automatically branded as a terrorist and a threat to peace. If you're a Muslim and you don't look - well - 'muslim' enough, be prepared to receive exclamations like, 'Hindi ka mukhang Muslim!' (You don't look Muslim!)

Filipino versus people from other regions. It is pretty amazing to see how being from a particular region means that you are a person of a certain quality. If you're from Ilocos, then you must be tight as a virgin with money. If you're from Cebu, then you must be someone's maid or nanny (and don't even get started on the accent). If you're from the Tagalog region, you must be some kind of narcissist who believe you're better than everyone else.

Filipino versus Filipino. If a Filipino and an American walks into a Filipino-operated establishment, guess who receives better treatment? In the Philippines, the whiter your skin is, the higher your social status.

Step 5: Immerse yourself in teen pop culture.
Team Jacob or Team Edward? Who's gonna be the next Starstruck survivor? Oh my God, those MTV stuff showing teens' 16th birthday parties and their supercool big houses are so cool!

Yep, if there is any final straw to losing your faith in humanity, always - and I mean ALWAYS - immerse yourself in teen culture. You may be in the Philippines but there's is no escaping it. Definitely mind-numbing and faith-crumbling, you would rather wish the big bang never happened and that these teenagers and their Twilight moms never made it out of the primordial soup.

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Remember folks, humans, whether they live in the Philippines or elsewhere, are wily, cunning, and will do anything to get whatever they want. So always be careful and keep your eyes open. And make sure you keep your sanity intact at all times.

May the Universe have mercy on us all.