Torn

Greetings, everyone! Yours truly is at the moment feeling very torn between responsibility and free will.

Uhh... say what now? Okay, here's the deal. I just found out that my brother - the very same one I mentioned in my previous post - has just resigned from his job. I finally know the reason why I have been seeing more and more of him these days (figuratively and literally). He has his own apartment where he stays during weekdays for work, but he still occasionally comes home during the weekends for one reason or another, one of which, I suspect, is for having the chance for some free meals.

But now that he's temporarily unemployed (I hope), I am feeling very mentally stressed. Yeah, I know you're thinking, what does that have to do with anything? Well folks, let me tell you something about an unfortunate thing which I prefer to call - the 'eldest child domestic responsibility mentality'.

One of the really weird traditional Filipino family values is the idea that if the child is the eldest, he or she needs to take responsibility similar or equal to a parent's. Of course, nowadays more and more families are deviating from this tradition and are more free in giving their eldest kids the freedom to live as they choose. Sounds great, right? But unfortunately, for me at least, no matter how much I convince myself that I am no longer responsible for anything but myself, there is and will always be that nagging thought at the back of my head that for anything that goes on, I need to be always be picking up the slack whenever it's needed.

Okay, okay, I know I'm just doing some overthinking again. But can you really blame me, especially with this 'family value' being so heavily indoctrinated that thinking otherwise has got to be wrong?

When my brother decided to take up the more 'normal' route by deciding to take up Engineering in college, I was happy. Being a bohemian and a free-spirit, nothing feels more boring than being stuck in an office job or practicing something as boring as law, engineering, medicine, - you know, that sort of thing. The fact that this country's traditional mentality sees such boring occupations as 'real jobs' as compared to less traditional jobs like being a writer, photographer, or musician, it made me even more wanting to deviate from the norm and do things that are more revolutionary and interesting. So what if my chosen vocation is out of the ordinary? Suck it up, suckers! Live the boring life while I do something more fun!

But being the eldest, I had to learn to grin and bear it and let myself be convinced that taking up Biology (ugh...) was the right thing to do. After all, what's wrong with being helpful to the family right? And indeed, if I decided to take up Medicine later, that means I'll give myself the chance of being a doctor. A practical way of life. Easy money. Easy living.

Of course, that decision turned out to be one of the worst decisions I've ever made. A semester in it and I found myself just wanting to stop existing altogether. Putting up with all the bullshit, trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing, wanting to tear my eyes out as I force myself to study things I don't even care about. Yeah, it didn't take long for me to break down. Did I regret the decision? Not at all. The lesson has to be learned. And quite frankly, there are so many people and experiences I wouldn't have met or experienced if not for that decision. But did it suck? Well hell yeah, it sure did.

So when my brother decided to take up Engineering, it was truly a breath of fresh air. I felt truly relieved that for once, the attention of people wouldn't be on me. Sure, some of my stupid relatives still continue to blab that as the eldest I should've done this or that, but frankly why should I care? Now that they were doting on my brother instead, I could finally live the life that I want. Besides, my brother had to put up with living in my shadow for so long, with me being the eldest, the supposedly more intelligent, the supposedly more promising. Kinda sucked to be him, right? And I was honestly very happy when things took a turn and he started getting more of the attention that was usually reserved for me. I felt good for him that people start recognizing his own talents and taking him for what he is, not just as the kid who is 'my brother'.

He graduated, got top honors, topped the licensure exam, got job offers left and right. It was great. Even more so because this is the life that he wants. Unlike me who was bullied into studying some bullshit course, he really wanted to do this. And seeing him having so much success makes me truly and sincerely happy for him.

I honestly don't know why he decided to resign. Like I said, he's a workaholic and him resigning just seem to be out of character. But then, I really haven't had the chance to ask him why he decided to do so and him not talking about it is something that I respect. He can tell me whenever he wants or he can even choose not to tell me. No big deal. But damn, the mystery is killing me, haha!

But with the situation as it is, I am now feeling once more that annoying spotlight that I have had the pleasure of not encountering for the past few years. With him being unemployed, it feels like my way of life is being put on the spotlight again, that because I am the big brother, I need to pick up the slack while my brother is in between jobs.

Bummer.